blogging seems to have lost its mode of informing others of my inner thots

i like my hall but im not living the hall life, exactly…

i like my school but im not being an actual student, exactly…

i like my friends but i don’t know who they are, really…

i have a lifestyle but i don’t know if its my own, really…

best case scenario halloween bazaar goes well, i get my heart st8ened out, bizcom does well with me n my friend, and a decent cap (pls hope for high 3 to low 4).

worst case scenario halloween bazaar low profit, heart just as lost, bizcom neither here nor there, cap not decent at all.

give me strength to work towards the right bell curve, the right motivations, the right mentality of a student.

heart

i’ve seen my fair share of twats and ppl i can’t stop thinking about or caring about.

i’m grateful for all I’ve been given and i would like to thank you all for ur patience with me.

i also know that i may be weird towards u compared to the rest, but i do want u very much.

i ask for all your understanding and your recipocration.

i now only want to not be inflicted with unnecessary stress, and the care and trust and time i’ve been wanting for so long.

stop blowing the minds of the undeserving

i am really hurt by what has been happening these days.

all i wanted was to do my obligatory commitments well and get out of it without any implications at all.

and now i have to cleanup for doing what i was told to do?

everyone tells me its not big but how would they all know?

i just dont want to get involved at all, period. if i make a stand abt it then, im told its not rite. i dont make a stand abt it and do as im told, this happens and i still dont get why. i get this ‘all for the best’ response, ‘its all right, dont worry, ur not getting it’ .

its not just about me alone but i dont understand why it has to be any of us!

we get steered in the direction we don’t want to, either a whirlpool forced or into the mouth of trouble.

ERGHGHHGHGGH. going to just do what should’ve been.

mindfreak

my big sis from taiwan is probably right about one thing about me…i have a weird mind.

to be able to contemplate death and afterlife at such a young age when i could be sleeping from a good day, like after a good movie of toy story, or a nice dinner with curry chicken or curry fish head. instead, time before and cutting into actual bedtime was used to wonder why things couldn’t be the way they were.

at least, now im mature enough in thinking to understand why, just irritated that i can’t have the best of both worlds.

just about a few hrs ago, i read a book. and that book has helped me and also challenged my thinking.

i wonder if i’ll be like my mother and her when i’m near their age. ‘realistic’ and just wanting to settle down with a life companion and starting a family, possibly, w/o really much energy or interest in finding out about afterlife.

i’d like to add the words, ‘if there is one’, but then i really wouldn’t be proclaiming my faith now, would i? i’d be conflicting myself. best of both worlds.

Cleaning the house instead of sleeping

unfortunately, i don’t have the luxury of time to clean myself.

i do have to make the time to clean up for my brother as he is coming back from his confinement in his company. 🙂 i need to see him prove his 8 conan pullups. i also miss him, even though its not always the way i expect to see him.

cleaning gets boring and depressing to most, and its not my passion, to be honest. but i like it having to be necessitated so that you can once again enjoy walking back into a clean room. i can’t be like a hospital, but i can make it my clean space.

if i didn’t have to share the space once again with my brother i doubt i would’ve cleaned the house thoroughly, who else do i need to do it for?

of course, mum’s room is pretty clean. at least i don’t have to see her rub her foot against the back of the calf to scrape of bits of dust and hair. -.-

i do (weirdly) like to clean up after my brother, at least he knows he will need me and vice versa 😀

hope to hear more from him when he returns, i don’t really hear sharing from anyone i’d like to hear from these days…

…then again, it can’t be helped if he doesn’t. he must be tired from his restricted lifestyle.

*case closed & filed away till further notice*

last month

one more month.

tuition (one of them) will end after this week, on a good note, much better than that of the other one.

work will end first wk june.

i’ll miss the lifestyle v much, but i’ll miss my original lifestyle even more 😀

climbing up

FINALLY, i’m starting to feel higher.
it could be because i get a night to rest.
ABOUT TIME.
or, it could be…
the full moon is waning.
it was a full moon yesterday i believe, it was so round.
maybe He uses the solar system to control our fates lol

hole in the heart syndrome

i felt like the whole day was like a hole in the heart.

as usual, making my usual phonecalls. as soon as the necessary has been settled, i begin to get restless.
i message people, some did reply, albeit a little curt, others didnt. at all.

the feeling of emptiness in my chest grows heavier and i turn to my mum thru texting. she explains it to me and the what-to-dos. i realise mum has become more centralised in my life than i thought, but its always been less of my parents when i was young. i don’t think i can ever cut those diamond-coated apron strings.

toilet breaks increase in frequency from 2 hrs to 1 hr to 1/2 hr, in an effort to ignore the heavy feeling on my chest.

i guess i didn’t really feel this hole till a few days later from before.

then again, if i plugged the hole in my mouth, maybe a leak in the heart would’ve never been.

but who knows? maybe its going to get better; it’s time to get back to a high. i only ask for the high, becuz to turn back time is not possible.

Heart to Song

These lyircs have always been uplifting and resembling. I thank the composer and the songwriter for this melody that will stick with me througout.

見詰め合うほど傍に居て優しさも笑顔もすれ違い
あなた築かぬ振りしてイタズラに急ぎ足

それでも輝くあの丘の上で
途切れ途切れの物語をただ演じるだけで
二人包む虹は一つの願いを叶える

太陽に匂いだねあなたの夢もシャツも
希望に満ちた瞳日全て輝きに変える
だから大切の夢を決して諦めないで
大空に振り向く力と勇気持ち続けて

幼い日は何にでも不思議を探し出すことが出来た
まるでそれが永遠に終わらないかのように

蒼く滲んだ時間の歩道で
もしもあなたが迷った時はそう思い出してね
愛と勇気くれたあの丘に架かる虹を

大人になるに連れてみんな変わっていく
少年の心キャンバスずっと描いていて
あなたが今のままできらめいてるように
いつもまでいつもまでもそっと見守って生きたい

太陽に匂いだねあなたの夢もシャツも
希望に満ちた瞳日全て輝きに変える
だから大切の夢を決して諦めないで
大空に振り向く力と勇気持ち続けて

banana peel ignored

i need the strength to no longer have the urge to slip over the banana peel, to hit the wall i never see, and to talk to the person who doesn’t care.

clapping hands against the wall will not bring back the feeling of the clap games i played in primary school.